Talents (a work in progress)

I have a really boring job, the kind that robots will be doing soon. My work consists of sitting in a small room with approximately 7 computers, over 28 TV monitors, a microphone that goes anywhere in the building I want, and ONE chair. A chair that I sit in for up to 5 hours, with about that many minutes of work to accomplish. That generally leaves me with 4 hours and 55 minutes of time to do whatever I want... EXCEPT leave that chair.

Point: from this command chair I tap into the source of all knowledge, the never-ending fountain of excitement, the number one way people share their talents that they are too embarrassed to do in public (which is very ironic)... YOUTUBE!!! I learn of magical far away places... an adverse side affect of youtube is that they make everything seem as if any "Joe Blow" could do it. To my own disappointment and shame I have discovered that I cannot fit my entire body through the head of a tennis racket, I cannot jump my bike over 20 midgets, and I cannot eat 47 Twinkies while standing on my head and balancing on a yoga ball!

I occasionally wallow in the pit of loathing and self-doubt due to the embarrassing truth that I may not have any productive talents to match these amazing feats of... well feats! Just when I think all is lost I remember my signature party trick! Do you want to see me take a quarter out of my nose? or perhaps if presented with a frozen pea, I will amaze you yet again with my patented hands-free loading system* for the nose pea shooter. Perhaps other youtube worthy talents lurk beneath my otherwise bland exterior! This startling realization has spurned me to embark on an holy quest! Not a quest for gold or riches, rather a quest for talent! Every few weeks I shall search for a new skill- what will it be? Could it be interior design? Gardening? Maybe something more masculine such as bleeding? Flying? Where else can I hide a quarter? I will never stop, I will not cease for an instant until every last talent shall be revealed!

*This amazing process is accomplished by inserting one or more peas into the oral cavity where it is transported up to the nose by way of the tongue. The tongue is then used to block the unloaded nostril and air is violently expelled from the nose resulting in startling initial velocities and an impressive lethal range. (any hernias or other physical or psychological damage resulting from attempting this process is not the responsibility of the short bus- see "the crippling truth" wednesday Nov. 12, 2008)