Talents (a work in progress)

I have a really boring job, the kind that robots will be doing soon. My work consists of sitting in a small room with approximately 7 computers, over 28 TV monitors, a microphone that goes anywhere in the building I want, and ONE chair. A chair that I sit in for up to 5 hours, with about that many minutes of work to accomplish. That generally leaves me with 4 hours and 55 minutes of time to do whatever I want... EXCEPT leave that chair.

Point: from this command chair I tap into the source of all knowledge, the never-ending fountain of excitement, the number one way people share their talents that they are too embarrassed to do in public (which is very ironic)... YOUTUBE!!! I learn of magical far away places... an adverse side affect of youtube is that they make everything seem as if any "Joe Blow" could do it. To my own disappointment and shame I have discovered that I cannot fit my entire body through the head of a tennis racket, I cannot jump my bike over 20 midgets, and I cannot eat 47 Twinkies while standing on my head and balancing on a yoga ball!

I occasionally wallow in the pit of loathing and self-doubt due to the embarrassing truth that I may not have any productive talents to match these amazing feats of... well feats! Just when I think all is lost I remember my signature party trick! Do you want to see me take a quarter out of my nose? or perhaps if presented with a frozen pea, I will amaze you yet again with my patented hands-free loading system* for the nose pea shooter. Perhaps other youtube worthy talents lurk beneath my otherwise bland exterior! This startling realization has spurned me to embark on an holy quest! Not a quest for gold or riches, rather a quest for talent! Every few weeks I shall search for a new skill- what will it be? Could it be interior design? Gardening? Maybe something more masculine such as bleeding? Flying? Where else can I hide a quarter? I will never stop, I will not cease for an instant until every last talent shall be revealed!

*This amazing process is accomplished by inserting one or more peas into the oral cavity where it is transported up to the nose by way of the tongue. The tongue is then used to block the unloaded nostril and air is violently expelled from the nose resulting in startling initial velocities and an impressive lethal range. (any hernias or other physical or psychological damage resulting from attempting this process is not the responsibility of the short bus- see "the crippling truth" wednesday Nov. 12, 2008)

Women...

Have you ever watched Dawson's Creek? OC? One Tree Hill? If you're a guy, the answer better be no. No self respecting guy would voluntarily subject himself to the torture of attempting to follow the drama that so many females in our country find enjoyable. Now, my aim is not to ridicule women for their taste in daytime television, but rather to try and point out some of the differences between testosterone filled men, and their estrogen infused counterparts.
Whether or not they will admit it or not, women thrive on drama. Now I know if you're a woman reading this you're probably shaking your head thinking: "I do not! Maybe other girls, but not me!"... uh huh... Now if you're a guy reading this(as long as your significant other isn't in the room) you're probably nodding your head in unabashed agreement.
The term "Drama" has a stigma about it that all women try to avoid(at least that's what they'll tell you), but the truth of it is that drama, as guys define it, has more to do with the way women think than with any funky love triangle with rico suave and his two gorgeous bimbos that always seem to be fighting over him. As I(a man among men) see it, when a woman spends more than a smattering of seconds trying to figure out the hidden meaning behind a one syllable answer given by a man, that is the definition of drama. Women have the unique ability to divine, out of totally innocent comments, compex hidden meanings that we, as men collectively, could not dream up.
To quote a favorite movie of mine:(Get Smart 2008) Woman: "do you ever think before you speak? Man: "nope. I just whip it out there." This pretty much sums up a guys thinking process before he opens his mouth. Maybe it's the testosterone, maybe it's something else(Me? I like to blame my abundance of testosterone), but whatever the reason, women: don't judge your man too harshly because he doesn't pick up your subtle hints, or doesn't follow your dizzyingly complex train of thought, he's a guy. We don't do complex.
What better way to drive this point home, than to give an example. Since I know that at least a couple of women are going to read this post at some point, I have for health reasons, decided NOT to use my own personal experiences(of which I have a plethora of examples to choose from). The following story(given me by my boss, a woman) should illustrate my point nicely: http://homepage.eircom.net/%257Eodyssey/Quotes/Modern_World/Dbr.html


*Disclaimer: The phrase "Bros before Hoes" should not be taken as a personal affront by women. It in no way implies that the woman or women in question have a questionable nature, but only refers to the camaraderie felt towards a fellow man, and the need to have another testosterone driven individual around.

Why I Don't Shop at Walmart

First, and foremost, because this is America, and I can shop wherever I want to. Second, I dislike paying businesses to line the pockets of other nations just to save $1.50. Perhaps, the most important reason is that I don't like waiting in lines; I don't like large parking lots; I don't like feeling cramped while I shop; I don't like their whole take-over-the-world-one-business-at-a-time model. More than likely, the reason I don't shop there is that everyone else does. Moral of the story? Don't be a lemming. Make the world a better place. Don't shop at Walmart. Support domestic products. Watch this movie.

Raging Hormones?

Last night I didn't get much sleep... what else is new? Like so many things in my life- I tend to try too hard. Now before you can't focus because you are laughing so hard let me explain. Words in the Malagasy language are so simple, they can be broken down into really simple terms. For example: filazantsara is the gospel, and literally translated it is "good news", there are no funky Latin roots, but simple everyday Malagasy. I don't think that there is a Malagasy word for Hormones, but if there were it would be something like "fampadalian-dehilahy" , literally translated "a thing that makes men crazy".

I stayed up until like 1:20 AM last night talking to a beautiful girl on the phone; could I have stopped the conversation at 12:00 when it was still just a normal 15 minute phone call? Of course I could! But I didn't even want to! That's the Maha-mampadala an-azy (too hard to translate... help please fellow Malagasy speakers?), I actually enjoyed it! Every joke, each and every anecdote, and... ok, well listening to her explain how all these guys were fawning all over her was kind of tedious, but everything else was amazingly enjoyable. Thank you Testosterone, for making me late to class this morning.

Anyway... my apartment is dirty. You may think that you know what I mean, but I assure you you do not. I sadly decided to wash my bike inside in my kitchen and shower. I felt like Kramer from Seinfeld washing his dishes in the shower... hmmm, I might try that. Back to my original point- there is mud caked on every inch of my floor, and my sink and shower have about 1 inch of dirt, grass, and gravel in them. Thanks again Testosterone for making me go trail riding in 3 inches of mud. BUT I LIKED IT! It's like the man dying of emphysema that still wants a cigarette. I ENJOYED EVERY SCINTILLATING SECOND!!!

On a totally separate note- I would like to take this opportunity to announce my endorsement of Rider #3's words of wisdom regarding helmets. I myself have recently purchased a helmet of enormous proportions. Not only does this helmet protect my semi-valuable melon, but also my extremely valuable and abnormally large nose!

You see depicted here not only a helmet, but a Lady magnet! I can't go anywhere with this baby on without people staring in awe at the sheer beauty of the thing. The amount of double takes alone is staggering, they can't keep their little eyes off me as I ride proudly around town. Helmets are as wonderful as they are beautiful.

Now you know all of the exciting things that have befallen me so far in this magical land known as... North Dakota.

Protection For Your Head

While riders #1 and #2 wax on and on about the mysteries of life that can probably never be known, I will fill your mind with the known. There are facts of life that are so obvious that most people have either forgotten, or have heard it so often they forget that it is still relevant to their lives.

Let us take, for example, wearing a helmet. Ever been walking along only to run into a pole. You are not alone, and even better--there is a solution. The knowledge that man's skull is vulnerable has been known for centuries, yet is undermined by current cliche phrases, such as: "Bonehead," "Numbskull," "Blockhead," and "Can we get anything through that thick skull of yours?" The facts are not debated; in fact, to preserve lives helmets are REQUIRED in many dangerous sports, combat, and various other activities. The question is not "Should people wear helmets?" But rather, "Why in the world would organizations have to REQUIRE people to wear a helmet when death lerks suripticiously around every corner, in every second of the activity, and even on the sidelines?"

I will tell you why. Most rules come from the same place; someone has tried it, and that someone died doing it. Which means that someone has tried to fence without a helmet, and had a foil shoved through his eye. It means that someone tried to whitewater raft without a helmet, and dashed their brains out on a rock when they were thrown from the raft. It means that for almost every dangerous sport some fat-boy has decided that his brain isn't worth protecting; the only thing that could prevent him from being kept alive. Humanity has machines to replicate all other body functions, but the brain we have yet to replace. So, if you are out riding your four-wheeler and you shatter your arm, no big deal--painful, but repairable. Without your helemt that shattered bone could easily have been your head.

Because you never know when calamity might strike, helmets are a great accessory to any outfit, for any occasion. Convieniently for me (since I only have one outfit) mine always matches what I wear.Helmets are time proven, and guarenteed to increase your odds with death. Wear a helmet; cheat death. WEAR IT!

The Crippling Truth*

Whoever wrote "The truth shall set you free" was full of... well, he didn't know what he was talking about. Normal people, like Rider #1 and myself, we know that lying is a lot more fun, can get you out of trouble, and will generally let you get ahead in life.
Many falacies are found within the english language, perpetuated by delusional individuals who are most probably socially retarded. The kind of individuals that turn down dates to sit in their room and study quantum mechanics... for fun.
Some of the many falsehoods circulating can include the following: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" have you ever been folded into a pretzel by one of your loving siblings?,or "Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today" Please... that doesn't even make any sense.
I, Rider #2 and my insanely handsome brother have created this blog to divulge our endless supply of knowledge and wonderful insights to those not blessed with our supperior intelect and sharp wit. The writings that will most assuredly be writ will astound you, amaze you, teach you, but most probably just flabergast, and confuse you. Just remember: Incredulity is for the weak. Enjoy.

*Rider #1 and #2 are not held responsible for any neurological, psycholigical, or other such health problems following the reading this blog.

Prognosis

A man once sat in a small room. I was that man. And yes, I am now seated in that small room. If an emotion commonly referred to as "surprise" comes to you as a result of the reading the previous comment, then perhaps you should cease all reading activity as soon as possible.
I, Rider #1 hereby prognosticate that the glorious writings on this blog will change you life forever. You will laugh. You will cry. However, most often you will simply shake your head and utter the infamous word "why?"
Though I am not a beautiful man, (that would just be wrong. I am instead an insanely handsome man! This sentence better conveys my rugged and manly qualities) I do love beautiful women. This brings me to today's topic: Women...




I have now divulged every ounce of my boundless insight on the female psyche.
You may, with confidence, expect many more posts full of such in sight as that mentioned above... this post though is only a humble prognostication and a introduction to the many magical posts that will most assuredly follow shortly after.
-Good readings!